The Truth About The Loss Of A Child Never Forgotten

Have you suffered the loss of a child or grandchild? When we lose a loved one they may be gone on earth but they’re never forgotten, right? Our loved ones will forever remain in our hearts! Let’s discuss where and to whom you can turn for strength and comfort when you’re dealing with loss. Let’s examine a hard subject Tyler, our first grandchild.

Gone But Never Forgotten: Putting Tyler into Words

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

Can you envision that moment? No more tears, no more crying, no more death. As born-again followers of Jesus Christ, we cling to the hope, that we will see our loved ones again, that have accepted Jesus Christ, as their Lord and Savior, when we get to Heaven. Oh, what a day that will be. What a Glorious Homecoming!

I’ve been playing, a game of tug of war, with God, about writing this particular post. I’ve tried to bargain with God. I will write about ANYTHING else, you lay on my heart but this! Haven’t we suffered enough? It’s too HARD!

I finally submitted to God, and said Ok Lord, your will be done, NOT mine! I don’t know who needs to hear this story, but God does, and I will obey, no matter how hard and difficult it is. My pain is poured out from within my heart and soul.

The Help You Need To Fight Depression

Welcoming Tyler Into The World

See Friends, January 16th has many happy memories. It also brings sadness. The topic I’m referring to is Tyler, my first-born grandchild.

Oh, the LOVE I have for him is indescribable. Can you imagine hearing, You’re gonna be a Mamaw?

I was beyond thrilled and couldn’t wait to see this little bundle of joy and hold him in my arms.

When Tyler was born, I can’t explain how it’s possible, to love someone so much, that you just met. But you do.

I can remember being told stories, jokingly about if you could just bypass the kids, and go straight to the grandchildren, life would be perfect.

It’s a different kind of Love though.

I live in North Carolina, and my family lives in Kentucky. Mike and I couldn’t get enough, of spending time with our grandson.

Tyler had us wrapped around his little fingers. Yep, that was Pap and me.

We drove to Kentucky for two visits, within three months, and we wanted to see him again. So we packed up the car and drove another five-hour trip.

MAKE SURE TO PIN FOR LATER

Before The Loss Of Our Grandchild

I can’t explain how this visit was different. It just was. Have you felt burdened before but couldn’t understand why? I mean come on, we’ve got a very healthy, happy, baby to love.

What was wrong with me? I want you to understand at this point my life with God was shaky.

I was saved when I was eighteen years old but my relationship with God was in a back-slide state meaning I wasn’t living for God at that time.

He NEVER once left ME, I left HIM! During that whole third visit, it was just OFF. The LOVE was stronger than EVER yet I couldn’t understand the OFF feeling in my heart.

As we always do when it comes time to head back to North Carolina Mike and I gave hugs and kisses on the cheeks and told everyone we loved them and would see them again soon.

I wanted to get ONE MORE HUG from my baby. I knelt to get Tyler from his stroller and I had a wave of sorrow that overtook me that I can’t explain.

Grieving with a somber state of mind

I clung to Tyler like I never had before while tears were pouring down my face as I was kissing his chubby cheeks goodbye. We had to get on the road to head home to North Carolina but I didn’t want to release him.

My daughter, bless her, said…”My goodness Mom, what in the world is wrong with you, it’s not like you’re never gonna see him again?” Little did she know.

When You Know Something Is Off

IT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME! When Mike and I walked off I told him “SOMETHING IS WRONG! I JUST KNOW IT!” I can’t explain it but I feel it and he felt it also.

That trip back to North Carolina was a slow sad one. Mike and I both were at a loss for words to speak. I can remember EVERY detail of what takes place next.

Your Worst Fear Is Confirmed

It’s like it’s on a real hitting replay…replay. Four days had passed since we returned home. The work week was the same as it always was.

I went to break and left my cell phone on my forklift which I NEVER did and upon returning I had several missed calls and voicemails.

I thought to myself leave it to me the one time I forget my cell phone that’s when I’m being called. So I flipped through the call log and saw that every one of the calls came from my family in Kentucky.

I was thinking to myself what in the world!

Dealing With Bitterness and Denial

So I listened to the first voicemail saying I needed to call home ASAP. I can remember thinking Ok it’s NOT a big deal! Nothing is Wrong!

I had myself convinced of that until I heard the next voicemail. It was from my Son, Mark. Mom, you need to call Becky they found Tyler passed away this morning. Mom, Becky is devastated!

We Did Not Have Enough Time

TYLER IS GONE! TYLER IS DEAD! I was like NO he’s NOT! He’s a happy, healthy, boy! We were just there. He’s ONLY 4 1/2 months old! That’s NOT enough time!

I can remember thinking surely I didn’t hear the message correctly. So I listened again, and again, and again. It didn’t change!

About that time Mark called again, Mom did you get my message? I couldn’t speak! I couldn’t think! MY BABY IS GONE! NOOOOOOOOO!!! It’s NOT supposed to happen this way!!! You should leave this world FIRST!! NOT your Child or in my case grandchild.

How I Responded to God

To say that I was mad at God is an understatement. So I screamed Heaven! How could you? Why did you give him to us and snatch him away?

We didn’t have enough time! How dare you! I don’t want you in my life EVER again! Do you hear me? That was my attitude.

I’m ashamed to admit how I acted but it’s the truth nevertheless. He can’t be gone, but then I remembered how I felt in Kentucky. The entire visit felt off and I can’t explain it.

I remembered the wave of sadness and sorrow that overtook me. It made sense now. I truly believe that God was warning me what was about to take place even though I had walked away from him.

Coping with Loss and Grief

Next came trying to call Mike at work. I was a complete MESS! He answered cheerfully like always but as soon as I said Mike or tried to he knew something was off.

I started crying so hard while Mike was trying to get out of me what was wrong. When I finally got the words out…He’s Gone! He’s Dead! Mike was like who are you talking about Hunny? I said Tyler, HE’S GONE! 

How Do you help grieving grandparents?

To say we were a mess is putting it mildly. We were on the phone with one another listening to the other one shed tears of heartache.

I can NOT begin to imagine what my daughter went through on that day and still goes through.

It’s hard for us but it has to be 100x more for her. I try my best NOT to bring him up around her because I don’t want to cause her any unnecessary pain.

I know everyone deals with death and grief differently. For some, it’s out of sight out of mind kinda way. Not me.

keep memories alive while coping with grief

I need to be surrounded by memories of photos and talk about him. Tyler’s life may have been short but he was here. His short life meant SOMETHING and I want to honor him.

It has taken me a long time to be able to talk about him without tears running down my face and mourning his loss. I still have days where the pain of losing him feels as if it happened yesterday.

It also took me a long time to stop being mad at God and blaming him for Tyler’s loss. You wanna know what the thing I cling to now is?

Loss Of A Child Promise

I WILL SEE TYLER AGAIN! For now, God is looking after him. I can NOT wait to see him again one day soon.

Furthermore, Tyler is still impacting lives mine the most and he’s never forgotten.

the eternal promise of being reunited

I want you to know if you’re born again loved ones have left this world and if you are a born-again follower of Jesus Christ you will see your loved ones again. This gives me comfort. Doesn’t it give you comfort also?

I have Tyler’s photo in my lab bay at work and I get countless patients talking about him and asking me what happened.

Through their reactions, they are blessed by his story and it opens a door to talk about Christ to those who don’t know him as their Savior.

I have another grandson now who is 13 years old and his name is Gavin.

No one can EVER fill Tyler’s place and he’s never forgotten nor far from our memory. I believe God has gifted us with Gavin to fill the void and gaping hole in our hearts. Grieving the loss of a child is so hard.

I can NOT thank God enough.

Tips and support for grieving grandparents

While the death of a loved one is hard to process for grandparents coping with the loss of a grandchild can be even more complex.

Grandparents who are grieving the death of a grandchild often take a back seat to the parents and siblings of the child who died.

When it comes to offering empathy and support grandparents are too focused on “staying strong” for their loved ones to process their feelings.

A Grandparent’s Grief is Unique

When a grandparent has lost a grandchild the grieving grandparents need support too.

According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, renowned author, educator, and grief counselor, when a grandparent experiences the death of a grandchild, they are faced with a unique grieving process, mourning the death on many levels.

Wolfelt explains, “when a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child, and they feel the pain of their own child’s suffering.”

Dr. Wolfelt

How do you help grieving Grandparents?

Grandparents are in the extraordinary position of playing two roles: mourner and protector. Dr. Wolfelt continues, “A parent’s love for a child is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds.

For the parents of the child who died, the pain of grief may seem intolerable. For the grandparents, watching their child suffer so and feeling powerless to take away the hurt can feel almost as intolerable.”

Grandparents who live at a distance and do not have close or frequent contact with their grandchild might also experience additional feelings of guilt and regret, or mourn the loss of a relationship they never had the opportunity to embrace.

Find meaning in loss

For people coping with the death of a loved one the search to find meaning in such a tragedy is a normal and necessary part of the grieving process.

This is no different for grandparents who have lost a grandchild. Dr. Wolfelt explains that grandparents – many of whom have already lived long, rich lives – may struggle with feelings of guilt.

It is not uncommon for grandparents to consider questions such as “why couldn’t it have been me, instead?” or “how could God let this happen?”

Dr. Wolfelt

Searching for meaning in the death of a grandchild may naturally lead to more fundamental considerations, including:

• How you will carry on living with this devastating loss in your life
• The Meaning and Purpose of Life
• Your Philosophy on Life
• Your Religious and Spiritual Values

Talking to a trusted friend or professional – perhaps someone outside of the family unit – will allow you to express your feelings and help to relieve the heavy burden weighing on your heart.

How to Support Someone Who is Coping with the Loss of a Grandchild

Dr. Wolflet suggests considering the following tips when supporting a grandparent who has lost a grandchild they may be gone but never forgotten!

1. Avoid cliché: Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a grieving grandparent because they diminish the very real and very painful loss of a unique child.
2. Be aware of holidays and other significant days: Visit the grandparent, write a note, or simply give them a quick phone call during these times. Your ongoing support will be appreciated and healing.
3. Be compassionate: Permit the grandparents to express their feelings without fear of criticism. Don’t instruct, or set expectations about how they should respond. Never say, “I know how you feel.” You don’t.
4. Listen attentively and try to understand. Don’t worry so much about what you will say, rather concentrate on the words that are being shared with you.
5. Offer practical help: Preparing food and washing clothes are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care.

Resource: Center for Loss and Life Transition

Be Sure to Also Read:

• Does Grief Ever Go Away
• She Still Lives: Bible Verses About Heaven After Death
• When You Think You’ve Been Buried: Bloom Quotes Bring You to Life

I Can Only Imagine What It Will Be Like To See Tyler’s Sweet Face Again

Tyler will ALWAYS be cherished, and have a special place in my heart. I have treasured memories to hold on to. I wanted to share his story with you today, to honor him on his birthday. So for now I will have to ask God to hug him and kiss him on the cheek for me until I can do it for myself.

Your Turn

If you are needing help and want to talk to someone who has been through it, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I will do everything I can for you. If you need professional help I recommend The Cope Foundation.

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