If you ask most parents, aggression is the hardest thing to deal with as parents. It invokes “crisis” and disrupts family life and learning. For many years since Scotty was 3 years old autism took on many faces - tantrums, head banging, blood curling screams, scratching, biting and sleepless nights. After many years these behaviors became less and less as we use many kinds of intervention from behavior modification, neurodevelopment to biomedical approaches and chiropractic care. We had many successes amidst the failures and frustration dealing with this disorder. There are times when he seems like a typical child doing appropriate activities. But just when we have momentum, regression hits us hard that we lose a whole year of work finding ourselves back to fighting that same monster that takes over him.
As his eyes turn into rage I brace myself. My vision clouds, my heart sinks, and my whole body tenses up. All I can think of is how to redirect his rage with as little words as possible. I try to help him refocus, say short phrases like “look at me”, mention the consequences and wait and see if he can comprehend. Usually in the middle of a rage or meltdown, he will have only heightened emotions, rapid heart rate, shortness of breath and because he can’t handle all these feelings–he will try to physically hurt himself through whatever means he can find. I feel a variety of emotions: anger at this monster that continues to control him, sorrow as I see him hurt himself, and lately total surrender to God. In the past I felt hopeless resignation, but there is comfort in casting this burden to God who is in control of all things. During these meltdowns, I have prayed aloud as I held his trembling hand tightly and prayed very hard until tears start coming down my face. He calms down as he hears me pray about him, and all of a sudden in the middle of his rage, he notices my tears. About an hour later, he asks why I was crying. I tell him it is because I am sad to see him hurt himself.
So in the midst of darkness of mind, there is awareness, and in sorrow there is comfort. How blessed we are to be able to call on God anytime. And in total surrender and helplessness, we find Him as faithful as He has been in our joyful times. In complete weakness of spirit we find His grace and love.
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