Searching the Heart

Rests and Pauses

cvanarts — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:00:15 +0000

The year 2009 was a difficult year as far as my health goes. I had so many challenges with fatigue and digestive issues which ended in a breakdown at the end of the year. Taking on the burden of trying to teach my autistic son was too much to handle. The more I tried the more he failed. At the end, he had a regression that affected his speech and ability to communicate. It wiped out over 5 yrs of work in speech and language. It affected me so much that I couldn’t function well for 3 months trying to cope and understand what happened. What I didn’t know is it was just a pause. The world did not end but it sure felt like it because I have attached my worth to whether or not I can educate and cure him. But God in His wisdom was just showing me something more precious- Faith and Contentment. Regressions, physical afflictions are just rests. Just like in music, they are just as important. God teaches us so much if we listen, humbly submitting our will to His.

Here is my paraphrase of Habakkuk 3:17-19:

Though Scotty may not grow to what I expect. Nor there be no fruit of my labor, training and therapy. Though my strength fail and there isn’t any food on the table. Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, the God of my salvation. The Lord is my strength. He carries me like a Father to a child.

“Earthly sorrow has a mission in the sanctifying of life” -J.R. Miller

Adrenal Fatigue: Finding God in Weakness

cvanarts — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 05:25:25 +0000

For the last 6 months, I have struggled through fatigue affecting my mind and body. There was an emptying of all strength, draining completely that even a small amount of work or excitement led to shortness of breath. Sleep was shallow and so there was no rest. I thought that it couldn’t get any worse than this, then I contracted a virus that affected my digestion. I couldn’t eat anything that wouldn’t cause abdominal cramps. I felt weak and helpless. However, I knew God had a purpose in it and that morning when I prayed and asked Him - this is what I read:

“A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out” Matt.12-20

“Yet I am always with you” Psalm 73:23

“I the Lord have called you in righteousness and will hold your hand” Isaiah 42:6

And from Spurgeon(Morning and Evening):

“The God of Providence limits and controls the manner, intensity, repetition and effects of all our sickness: each sleepless hour predestined, each relapse ordained, each depression of the spirit foreknown, each sanctifiying result eternally purposed. Affliction is not a haphazard event. He commits no errors in measuring out the ingredients which constitute the medicine of souls.”

Weakness through illness is humbling. I don’t like going through it, but God in His wisdom teaches me so much through it. It is not by might that I accomplish homeschooling but through His Spirit. Actually it was all His strength.

A Brief Respite

cvanarts — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:33:26 +0000

Since the peak of aggression last month, Scotty’s behaviors have decreased and a month later, we find him back to his normal self, drawing appliances, catching bugs and asking questions. Sometimes I’m anxious still, thinking in the back of my mind that tomorrow maybe be a different day.

I thank God for the last few days of respite. It allowed me to rest, slow down and reflect on God’s many blessings. I thank all of you who continue to pray on our behalf. The discouragement and frustration that plagued my heart the past month has healed for now. I learned to drink all from the cup He gives us– the bitter and the sweet. I continue to learn how to love a child who doesn’t yet know how to love me back. I learn to be kind and patient when faced with anger. I realize also that it is a battle, a fight for joy. War is waged every moment that I am only seconds away from anger myself. Through grace, armed with prayer, we give thanks in order to have joy because it is only in His presence do we find it at all.

Dealing with aggression

cvanarts — Mon, 26 May 2008 17:25:03 +0000

If you ask most parents, aggression is the hardest thing to deal with as parents. It invokes “crisis” and disrupts family life and learning. For many years since Scotty was 3 years old autism took on many faces - tantrums, head banging, blood curling screams, scratching, biting and sleepless nights. After many years these behaviors became less and less as we use many kinds of intervention from behavior modification, neurodevelopment to biomedical approaches and chiropractic care. We had many successes amidst the failures and frustration dealing with this disorder. There are times when he seems like a typical child doing appropriate activities. But just when we have momentum, regression hits us hard that we lose a whole year of work finding ourselves back to fighting that same monster that takes over him.

As his eyes turn into rage I brace myself. My vision clouds, my heart sinks, and my whole body tenses up. All I can think of is how to redirect his rage with as little words as possible. I try to help him refocus, say short phrases like “look at me”, mention the consequences and wait and see if he can comprehend. Usually in the middle of a rage or meltdown, he will have only heightened emotions, rapid heart rate, shortness of breath and because he can’t handle all these feelings–he will try to physically hurt himself through whatever means he can find. I feel a variety of emotions: anger at this monster that continues to control him, sorrow as I see him hurt himself, and lately total surrender to God. In the past I felt hopeless resignation, but there is comfort in casting this burden to God who is in control of all things. During these meltdowns, I have prayed aloud as I held his trembling hand tightly and prayed very hard until tears start coming down my face. He calms down as he hears me pray about him, and all of a sudden in the middle of his rage, he notices my tears. About an hour later, he asks why I was crying. I tell him it is because I am sad to see him hurt himself.

So in the midst of darkness of mind, there is awareness, and in sorrow there is comfort. How blessed we are to be able to call on God anytime. And in total surrender and helplessness, we find Him as faithful as He has been in our joyful times. In complete weakness of spirit we find His grace and love.

A different language, a different world

cvanarts — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 03:03:50 +0000

On our recent trip to Mexico, one of the things we noticed was our difficulty understanding their language. Because we only know words, but not how they are put together, we can only understand about 2 words each sentence. For those who cannot speak English it was a struggle to communicate. It made me understand Scotty’s situation when it comes to language. He has been in speech therapy since he was 3 years old. For the last 12 yrs we all tried to teach him his language. It is only in the last 3 yrs of hard work with language processing that he have made great gains. But it wasn’t until now that I understood his personal struggle. When we speak fast, he cannot process it and therefore can not comprehend what we say to him. It is very much like being in a foreign country where you barely get a gist of what people are saying and you then learn to understand tone and body language.

Holland

cvanarts — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 17:09:31 +0000

This is a poem I was given in a support group. It was hard to read at the time, but now I fully understand it. It deals with the acceptance of our lot in life whether that be our children or our roles. We do not design or plan our lives, thankfully God does and we can rest our hope in Him.

Welcome to Holland

When you are going to have a baby, it’s like you’re planning a vacation to Italy, you’re all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks and you learn phrases in Italian so you can get around. When it comes time, you pack your bags and head for the airport—for Italy.

Only when you land the stewardess says, “Welcome to Holland”.

You look at one another in disbelief and shock and say, “Holland? What are you talking about? I signed up for Italy!.

But they explain there’s been a change of plans and you’ve landed in Holland, where you must stay. “But I don’t know anything about Holland, I don’t want to stay!.

But you do stay. You go out and buy some new guidebooks. You learn some new phrases and you meet people you never knew existed. The important thing is that you are not in a filthy, plague infested slum, full of pestilence and famine. You are simply in a different place than you had planned. It’s slower paced than Italy, and less flashy than Italy, but after you’ve been there a little while and you have a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone else you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They’re all bragging about what a great time they had there, and for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was going. That’s what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away.

You have to accept that pain because the loss of that dream, the loss of that plan, is a very, very significant loss. But if you spend your time mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland.

—Diane Crutcher

Count it all joy!

cvanarts — Sat, 26 May 2007 19:42:25 +0000

The life we choose is usually not the path our Heavenly Father would have for us. For instance, I would not choose to have a child with any disability because it would be a life full of struggles, a life far from perfection. When autism came to our lives through our son I remember reading 2 Cor. 1:4; I couldn’t comprehend how that can be. With heavy hearts, we went through the motions, survived the many tantrums and there was neither comfort nor rest. But I realize we didn’t get comfort because we didn’t pray. Yet He loved me then and used the experience to humble me. It took many years before I could give comfort to others. In fact it wasn’t until just last year. I joined a local Autism support group which consists of mothers with autistic children ages 2-8, and mine was the oldest at 14 years old. I now listen to their stories and I find encouragement from them as I hope they do from me. It is a wonderful group from different racial and religious backgrounds and yet linked by one thing–contending with autism. As I sit with these Moms with their heavy hearts and worn out bodies, it reminds me of a poem by Helen Steiner Rice, and understood God’s purpose.
Before You Can Dry Another’s Tears- You Too Must Weep

Let me live a life that’s free
From the things that draw me close to Thee
For how can I ever hope to heal
The wounds of others I do not feel

If my eyes are dry and I never weep,
How do I know when the hurt is deep
If my heart is cold and it never bleeds
How can I tell my brother’s needs
For when ears are deaf to the beggar’s plea
And we close our eyes and refuse to see
And we steel our hearts and harden our mind
And we count it a weakness whenever we’re kind,
We are no longer following the Father’s way
Or seeking His guidance from day to day….

..For only through tears can we recognize

The suffering that lies in another’s eyes.

Afflictions are medicine to our souls. It heals us of our selfishness and turns our gaze to Him who controls all things and searches all hearts. Because I’m a naturally anxious person, I am aversive to trials. I still don’t like them but I am grateful when they come because so many benefits come from them. I can think of a few:

1. Trials increase our faith and produces endurance

2. You learn to know God’s wisdom, providence and love.

3. You learn compassion: you are able to comfort another soul

4. It is a witness for the gospel, and to share with others God’s work in your life.

5. It connects you to people you otherwise would not associate with.

6. It humbles a proud heart and fosters total dependence on God.

7. It teaches you to pray fervently knowing that our expectation comes from Him alone.

8. It teaches you how to love a child who cannot repay you.

9. To rest in our merciful God and see His strength in weakness

10. It keeps you from being critical and judgmental of others once you walk in their shoes.
And so, I understand now why we must count it all joy!

A Change of Focus

cvanarts — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 23:12:58 +0000

Over the last four years of homeschooling, I have struggled to fight against the urge to teach as the schools do. For one thing it is the only method I’ve ever known and for another that was the way I was educated for 16 years. It is hard to break established habits. But as I look at mainstream education models more closely I see they are short-sighted — they only demand an accumulation of knowledge. Knowledge must involve the heart or else it “puffs up”. We train the mind only to prick the heart and point us to God. Instead of filling up more worksheets we converse more and we reflect and record our learning into our notebooks. We might still use the same books and learn the same subjects, but now they are just tools for discipleship rather than something we have to finish at year end. Although we test our children in their knowledge of math, grammar and spelling, we also test their character:

1. Do they finish what they start?

2. Do they persevere through a tough problem or give up?

3. When they are assigned work, do they obey without challenge, without delay, and without excuse?

4. Do they do their work orderly and with their best writing? (thereby showing good stewardship)

I also have to work on my attitude towards my children. Many times a day, my son exhibits many behaviors and most of them are rooted in selfishness (which is a sin issue) and rigidity (which stems from his autism). Most of the time I am patient but there are days where I get easily annoyed by his repetitive questions, rebellious attitude, and acting unkind towards his sister. My attitude is many times only inward and only results in frustration and anger. That anger then leads to escalation of his behaviors which results in missed opportunities for heart training.

So now, through God’s grace, I’m working on looking at each infraction as an opportunity for teaching and self-control. Though I may be tired, I will speak calmly and try to teach him a more godly behavior if only by example. I am finding that this is the best way to get through to his heart. It also answers one of the questions in my prayer; How do you teach an autistic child wisdom? One soft spoken word at a time through the work of the Holy Spirit.

A New Year

cvanarts — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 23:14:56 +0000

Whenever I face another year, I like to look back and remember God’s many blessings and answered prayers of the prior year. I keep a journal where I write down my prayers, trials, praises and encouragement from Scripture. I find that if I don’t write anything down, (especially my prayers) I tend to forget what God has done for me, my family, parents and friends. When I forget, I fail to thank Him.

I also use these notes to review when I am discouraged dealing with my own character and of the character of our children. When I review His providential care, I am reminded how blessed we are. One of the many blessings that I am so thankful for is finally having a home church. For many years we didn’t have a church to which we felt a sense of belonging. We were spiritually dried up and not experienceing the love and grace of God through fellowship. But now, we are spurred on to serve others, to seek wisdom and to mortify sin as we persevere daily to reflect His image to those we love and to those God sends our way to minister to.

Neurodevelopmental Therapy

cvanarts — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 03:57:34 +0000

About three years ago I was led to NDT by Dennis Gunderson of Grace and Truth books. I was in the trivium pursuit e-loop asking about a phonics program for children with autism. He then recommended a book “Too Wise To Be Mistaken, Too Good To Be Unkind” by Cathy Steere. It was the first book I read on autism written from a Christian perspective. I was touched by her story as it mimicked ours except they had the correct view of God and man as they trained their son with autism. We didn’t pursue it further until a year later when a neurodevelopment therapist came to the Valley Home Educator’s Conference in Modesto.

The therapy we are currently doing is simple but it’s assumptions are founded on neurobiology. It uses brain plasticity to address sensory issues and therefore improve function through frequency, intensity and duration. It is very similar to physical training of athletes, except instead of muscle it works on neurons and neuropathways. It is an approach to remediation that addresses the root causes of the bizarre behavior our son exhibits. It also explains that these odd behaviors are symptoms of a disorganized brain. Their clients range from those in the autism spectrum, down sydrome to dyslexia and ADD.

When we met our current NDT therapist she did a developmental profile that consisted of 6 main areas: Gross Motor, Expressive Language, Fine Motor, Visual, Auditory and Tactility. Each area is scored based on where the child falls in level of development which goes from Level 1(babies) to Level 9(Adult). These exercises done with sufficient consistency give the brain effective stimulation it needs to move the child to the next level of development.

For many years, a lot of resources were spent on his education and various therapies. But NDT puts them all together into one cohesive program that includes, but is not limited to, speech therapy, sensory integration, vision therapy, biochemistry, and sound therapy.